How to make informed and body-based decisions from intention, not pressure

Every day, we have to make a gazillion decisions, big and small:

“What do I wear today?”, “Do I take a shower?”, “What’s for dinner?” all the way to the big ones like “Do I want to enter/stay in this relationship/friendship/job?” or “Am I going to invest time and money into this house/training/project?”

[By the way, I prefer to call these choices – which feels way more empowering, if you ask me, because a choice implies YOU have power to CHOOSE, whereas “having to make a decision” sometimes feels like you’re trapped between a rock and a hard place ;-)]

Since I support women and queer menstruators through menstrual and perimenopausal health challenges and challenging times in life, in my world, decisions look like:

“Do I want to take hormones or try a natural approach?”, “Should I have this intervention or are there alternatives?”, “Do I prioritise my needs and set this boundary (and risk someone be mad at or disappointed by me) or do I keep putting everyone else before me?”, all the way to “Is working with Lisa a good next step for me?”

[In fact, I originally created the audio practice below for exactly this reason, to help someone make an informed, body-based decision about choosing me as their support person and guide or not. So if you consider working together, this process is where I want you to start! :-)]

Not all of our daily decisions are essential for survival, but especially the more profound ones want to be considered carefully, from multiple angles and on multiple levels.

Why your body is such a great support in decision-making

We want to make decisions that are good for us as a whole being, and those don’t usually come from the mind alone – because our bodies hold so much more information!

Your body literally takes in everything that happens in and around you, unfiltered, unlimited. Your body isn’t restricted by the capacity of your conscious thinking mind, so it has access to a whole other, bigger and deeper, level of knowledge, experience and wisdom!

Your body is wise and needs to be consulted – but how do we make body-based decisions, when all we’ve been taught is to live from the neck up, separate from the body?

Why it can be difficult to make body-based decisions

In our modern world, the Western world especially, we’ve been indoctrinated with rationalism: placing mind (“ratio”) over matter, head over body, thoughts over feelings / emotions / sensations.

But as long as we’re disconnected from our body, it will be next to impossible to make body-based decisions ;-)

Our bodies don’t feel safe

For a number of reasons, we’ve learned and experienced that our bodies aren’t a safe place to be, which is particularly true for women and people socialised or perceived as women.

Wars have been fought on female bodies, they have been denigrated, vilified, abused and forced to experience sexualised and sexual trauma (whether personal and/or collective).

So no wonder it feels safer to dissociate and disconnect from the body and live life mostly from our head.

Our emotions feel too big

Many of us also haven’t learned how to be with and move through the more intense and difficult emotions in a way that’s safe for ourselves and others. Some have literally had emotions beaten out of them, to the point where even experiencing joy can feel dangerous …

Since emotions and their corresponding sensations don’t feel comfortable, disconnecting from the body is understandably an easy way to avoid the discomfort – it is, in fact, your nervous system’s survival strategy, although it comes with its own set of issues.

Even though the intensity and immediate charge of an emotional wave usually only last about 90 seconds, while we’re in it, it feels like it’ll go on forever and we’re going to drown in it.

So we’ve learned to suppress our emotions, shove them aside, stuff them down – and are now carrying this big warehouse of frozen tension, of previously incomplete and unexpressed and unintegrated moments of life, which make our bodies a rather uncomfortable place to be.

We have been taught to override and mistrust our body’s signals

From a very early age, we get taught to override our body’s needs and mistrust its signals:

We’re asked to control our bladder (with dedicated hours for the bathroom at school, or work places where going to the bathroom is frowned upon) and hide menstruation (with pads being exchanged secretively, and the implicitly advertised message that we should be just as productive as in any other phase, happily jumping around the beach in clean, white swimwear).

Pain gets downplayed and seen as less painful in women and people perceived as women as if it was part of our existence, not a message, and when our body shows signals (called “symptoms”) that our doctor can’t interpret, we’re told “it’s all in our head”.

In the capitalist societies most of us live in, a body is essentially seen as a “thing” we must control and that needs to function in a very specific way, like a machine.

Should it have a “dysfunction” and not work the way it’s “supposed to” – for example, when you get sick, burn out, become anxious or depressed, which are actually healthy responses to the unhealthy systems we live in – our medical system tries to “fix” or “repair” it, to restore its “function”, so you can become a functioning cog in the wheel as soon as possible again.

Let me tell you, your body isn’t broken and doesn’t need fixing, and pain is certainly not normal!

Yet, this conditioned disconnection will possibly make it a bit harder for you to make body-based decisions, even with the audio practice below.

Challenges that arise when making body-based decisions

You don’t get a clear message/answer

Sometimes, especially in the beginning and if connecting to your body is a somewhat new experience for you, it’s possible that you don’t receive an answer from your body right away.

This is completely normal and expected – your body probably hasn’t been asked its opinion before or its signals have been ignored. It now needs to rebuild trust, that it can voice or show what it needs to, and will be listened to and taken seriously.

So if no immediate answer comes, give it time!

Keep asking, trust the process and be patient (I know how hard that can be!). Maybe your answer/decision will be revealed only after you’ve done the practice, or tonight in a dream or tomorrow as you wash the dishes.

You receive an answer and immediately start doubting it

Sometimes you will receive an answer in the practice (a sort of instinctual knowing) and then start doubting or discounting it right away. That doesn’t mean the answer is “wrong”!

I believe it’s normal and to be expected that your brain will jump in immediately, especially when it’s a bigger decision with uncertain outcome you’re facing!

Your brain’s number one priority is to keep you safe, not (necessarily) happy – so it wants to protect you from the danger that might be lurking in the Unknown of the uncertain outcome. As far as your brain is concerned, you are safe where you are right now, hence it doesn’t want you to change (and suddenly start following your body’s advice).

So if you start doubting the decision, that’s okay. See if you can quieten your mind and reconnect with your body again to learn what your body has to say and if this reconnection changes anything about the answer.

You receive an answer, but suspect it might still be mind-based, after all

If you receive an answer, but can’t decipher if the decision really comes from your body or is still your mind in disguise, I suggest repeating the practice below several times, on different days and at different times of day.

Notice what shifts about the answer (or doesn’t) when you do.

Lastly, I want you to understand that none of these parts – the hesitation, the doubts, the fear, the angst – mean anything about you or your ability to actually make the decision. They don’t mean your answer should be a “No”, they just reveal that there’s a deeper layer to the question.

These parts are all welcome (though not necessarily comfortable) in the decision-making process!

When to use the following process

Of course, I don’t suggest using the whole process for every single, minuscule, day-to-day decision. This is for bigger decision, like undergoing medical treatment, staying/leaving a relationship or investing in working with someone like me (which means investing in yourself, really).

And regardless of the outcome of the decision, what’s important to me is that you make an INFORMED one. That you know the pros and cons, the advantages and risks for each decision-option – because there is no “good” or “bad” choice, every option comes with its own set of pros and cons!

Let’s use the controversial issue of “taking hormones” (like the birth control pill or hormone replacement therapy in perimenopause) as an example:

Even though I personally don’t endorse taking external, artificial (even bioidentical) hormones, I would never judge anyone on this, because there may be really good reasons for doing so.

If a client in perimenopause can only sleep by taking progesterone, I’d rather they have a good night’s sleep. This ensures their body can undergo its repair, maintenance and healing processes instead of excessively producing stress hormones due to a lack of sleep.

Or if a client with extremely heavy and painful periods, fibroids and other issues decides to take the birth control pill to not experience that (as much) every month, that’s totally understandable to me.

The only thing I suggest is to simultaneously start supporting the body in natural ways (practicing techniques for deep relaxation, stimulating the lymphatic system, activating the body’s built-in medical cabinet etc.), so the external hormones might no longer be necessary in the long run (or suffice in smaller dosage).

And even though we’re talking about body-based decisions, I believe it’s important that our minds are on board as well – to a degree, at least. As a very wise psychology professor at uni once shared in class:

“In order to make a good decision, first gather all the info you can get, all the pros and cons – and then make the decision from your gut!” :-)

So how do we do that?

How to make a body-based decision:

1. Get clear on the decision to be made

Think about what kind of decision you’re making:

What’s the situation in front of you, what’s the challenge, what’ the opportunity you think about moving towards?

Be as specific as possible and think through the different options you can decide on. Sometimes it may be a straightforward Yes-or-No decision (“Do I start taking hormones?”, “Do I undergo this surgery?”), and sometimes you may have several options to choose from (“Do I wait and see, undergo surgery or start working with Lisa?”).

Understanding the different options available to you is important for the rest of this process, especially the body-based decision practice.

Note: Sometimes there may be so many options that it feels overwhelming. This can be due to your brain trying to think through every possibility all at once.

In this case, jump straight to the body-based decision audio practice below and use it to discern – with the help of your body – what you’re really making the decision on in the first place.

2. Ask decision-specific questions

Once you are clear(er) on what kind of decision you’re about to make, and know the options and possibilities available to you, start asking questions to explore the decision, the pros and cons, from multiple angles.

This will reveal information gaps, i.e. what information you still need to gather, in order for your brain/mind to relax and make an INFORMED decision.

And these questions may, to a degree, already provide some clarity on the decision itself and help you rule out some of the available options. In any case, asking questions will assure your brain that you’ve really “thought it through” ;-)

Questions you may ask (this is by no means exhaustive, so use this list to get started/inspired):

• Why do I want to make this decision, why is it important to me?
• Why do I want/need to make the decision NOW?
• What do I hope to get out of it when I decide on option A / B / C etc.?
• What facts do I have about the different options available to me?
• Do I understand the details of what this entails? What will happen, what are the next steps when I decide on option A? What will happen, what are the next steps when I decide on option B? What will happen, what are the next steps when I decide on option C? etc.
• What would/could my life look like, if I went with option A? What would/could my life look like if I went with option B? What would/could my life look like if I went with option C? etc.
• What do I hope happens when I decide on option A? Is it likely/possible that this or something similar is going to happen? (continue for every option)
• Am I okay with taking [THIS] risk, without knowing/proof/guarantee it will work out the way I want?
• How do I expect to feel when I decide on option A / B / C?

Maybe you’ll need to cycle through these questions a few times to look at all the different facets of all the possible options that come with this decision.

Take your time!

3. Gather relevant information/facts

Now you start gathering all the facts you have and still need. Write down the different options available to you and what you know about them, their pros and cons, their advantages and challenges.

Where do you need to do more research? Who do you need to ask for support? Who can tell you more about the different options you have? Who has already gone through a similar decision?

Even though you want to make a body-based decision, it should still be informed and backed by your own research and facts (even the “fact” that there may be no guarantee for a certain outcome).

This way you ensure your mind is on board and your body can feel into the decision from an informed place, making a decision from intention, not pressure.

4. Quieten your mind, connect with your body and feel into it

I know that quietening your mind can be a whole task on its own. The quickest, easiest and most reliable way to allow the chatter to fade into the background and become present in the Here and Now with your body, is via vagus nerve stimulation.

The vagus nerve is the most important nerve for relaxation in the body and works as a super-highway from your brain, through all the major organs, all the way into the gut and even cervix (if you have one).

This means by physically stimulating the vagus nerve in your body, it will signal to your brain that you and your body are safe and that it can relax now.

Try humming, for example. This activates the vagus nerve as it passes your throat, and the gentle vibration and its reverberation has a soothing effect on your whole body and nervous system!

[Children still do it instinctually, to soothe or simply tend to their nervous system while they eat or paint etc. … unfortunately, this beautiful healing practice often got drilled out of us on our journey of becoming an adult in this f*ed-up world, learning “not to be heard” as women and people socialised as women in particular!]

Humming has also been used in meditation and trance in indigenous cultures all over the world, as it naturally connects us with our body that only ever lives in the present moment.

As the chatter of your mind fades into the background, start connecting with the different parts of your body, bringing awareness and presence to your toes, feet, ankles, all the way up to your neck and shoulder, head and face. Notice what’s present in you in this moment without judgment.

Then start feeling into the different options.

Imagine deciding on one option (e.g. “Yes” if it’s a Yes/No-question) and observe what happens in your body.

Does your body lean in or retract? Does it feel open and expansive or does it feel tense and contracted? What would your heart space like you to know? What would your womb space like you to know?

Simply notice it, thank your body for the information and come back to the present moment.

Then Imagine deciding on another option (e.g. “No” if it’s a Yes/No-question) and observe what happens in your body this time.

Does your body lean in or retract? Does it feel open and expansive or does it feel tense and contracted? What would your heart space like you to know? What would your womb space like you to know?

Simply notice it, thank your body for the information and come back to the present moment.

If there’s more options available, continue the process until you’ve placed yourself in every outcome/option.

To close this practice, once you’re done and have reconnected with your body in the present moment, place a hand on your heart and a hand on your belly (or whatever place feels accessible for you), thank your body and ask “Body, what would you like me to know now?”

Simply listen what comes up.

Tip: Take your time to process what has come through. Maybe the decision is clear now, maybe not. What else has your body shared with you?

Maybe you need to go back to asking questions and gathering more information. Maybe you want to do the practice again, on a different day (or different days). Maybe you just need to sit with the findings some more.

Connect with and ask your body for as long as you need to feel on board with the decision in body, heart, mind and soul (and also, we don’t always arrive at a 100% answer – it is okay to only be 80% on board and try it, there are very few decisions in life you can’t course-correct)!

Body-based decision audio practice

I’ve created a 15-minute audio practice to help you make decisions that feel whole body-heart-mind-and-soul-aligned and true to you.

So after you’ve gathered all relevant mind-based info, find a quiet, comfy space for you to access the wisdom of your body and make the decision from your gut:

Closing Thoughts

There’s a reason why I call it a body-based decision PRACTICE – because it is!!! It’s a practice, it’s training, it’s something that requires real-life application and will not work out perfectly every time you try!

As I’ve shared above, we haven’t exactly been encouraged to live in connection with our body, listen to it and take its cues seriously, so most of us will have to practice connecting with and attuning to our body in the beginning. It’s a process, and every process is messy, so it’s okay and to be expected that it feels difficult at first. It will take some time to reliably understand your body’s messages

The “secret” lies in continuing to ask the question and listening for an answer. And trusting that it will arrive eventually, in its own time!

Your turn: Do you have any questions?

What about the practice went well for you, what didn’t go quite as well?
Is there anything I can do to improve the practice?

I’d love to know, so please send me a mail!