It was somewhere in my early 30s that I suddenly realised I had created a life mostly around other people’s (real or assumed) expectations of me. From the outside it probably looked like I had it all, but on the inside I felt hollow, miserable, disconnected. I believed that the authority on me was someone or something outside of me – a parent, family member, teacher, doctor, supervisor, a study, an advertisement – and that I had to look to them for advice, follow their rules and let them judge if who or how I was, was deemed “good” or “passable”.
And I created all sorts of limiting beliefs from that, about how I am not deserving, unworthy and insufferable and how much I had to do, achieve and produce in order to “make up for me being so horrible”. I was caught in a downward spiral of desperately trying to control everything in my life so I didn’t have to face these uncomfortable feelings about myself and no one would get to discover this horrible being that I believed I was deep inside.
Until one day a thought popped into my head: “Is this it? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life living like this, until one day I die? Is that a life worth living?” The answer was a clear “No!”
I knew something had to change and decided to go to a psychotherapeutic clinic for a three-month stay – where I made the most incredible discovery.
As soon as the deadening pressure of having to make a good living (and working hard every day, going against myself and my needs out of fear to be fired) was temporarily lifted, I felt how I was letting myself off the leash and rediscovered who I really was underneath all the layers I had laid upon myself over the years:
An optimistic, exuberant, vibrant, extroverted, radiant, joyful, spiritual being, full of love – enough that I could give to others and lift them up as well.
I finally knew myself again!
And so I ventured on a journey of slowly letting that Me unfold in my everyday life again.
A journey of peeling away all the layers, ideas, thoughts and beliefs I have taken on over the years. Of facing, embracing and integrating everything I have pushed into the shadows. Of deconditioning from the fast-paced, productivity-driven nature of our current society, one without appreciation of the cyclic nature of life.
A journey of reconnecting with and trusting my own inner guidance system, my soul and body wisdom. Of rediscovering the magic and beauty all round and weaving spirituality back into my life. Of being present in my life, not hastening through, but experiencing and savouring each moment, comfortable or not, because each one holds its own unique beauty, its unique message.
And as this is a process that will probably take until the day I leave this body again, I try to share what I learn and experience along the way to support you in letting your own heart-light shine!
If you want to know more about my journey: MY JOURNEY
If you’d like to be supported on your own journey, find out more HERE or BOOK A CALL.