Forgiveness and Closure in December

[00:00:45] Hello, hello. I thought today I’d try something I have never tried before. I’ve just made it really cosy for myself. In the background, you can see my little advent calendar that me and my husband received. It’s little bags with coffee beans. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a coffee lover and a connoisseur, I really just love my one big pot of afternoon coffee and it must be a good coffee. So we try these different variations from a roastery here in Germany who provide jobs to people who otherwise might not be able to have a job. And they do the roasting and everything themselves, it’s Fair-Trade coffee, so we are happy to support them.

[00:01:41] I have made myself a little tea and I feel with the reddish sweater I’ve on, I kind of feel very Christmassy right now, which is a great start into the month. It is December 2nd today, and I wanted to share with you a little interpretation of an Oracle card. Now, this Oracle card is one that I have pulled last year during the ritual of the Twelve Holy Nights, and I’ve pulled it for the month of December.

[00:02:19] If you don’t know anything about the Twelve Holy Nights, and I will make sure to put some links up, so that you can find out more if you’re interested, it’s basically the twelve nights between the years, like out of time. People say it comes from the fact that our ancestors used the Lunar Calendar, which has 354 days and the solar calendar that we use today has 365. And so the missing twelve nights and eleven days are supposed to be the time, out of time, the time in-between the years.

[00:03:10] And I have a ritual that I do or have been doing for the last five, six years, and I do lead a course every year by now, where we go through this beautiful ritual together, and basically each night of these Twelve Holy Nights that I celebrate between December 25th and January 6th, represents a month in the upcoming year.

[00:03:37] And so in this phase, I pull a card every day for the respective month in the upcoming year. And then on the first of every month, I make a date with myself, I get myself cosy and look back at the card I had pulled and see what it might hold in terms of what’s ahead, what I need to know about the month ahead or what’s happening in my life.

[00:04:10] And I mean, I don’t take it too seriously. I don’t know if you like Oracle cards or not, I hold it lightly and still I very often I find that the messages come timely. And that they actually point to something happening that month, or at that time anyway. And so I got inspired yesterday when I sat down to have a look and read through and ponder and muse upon the cards that I had pulled for this month.

[00:04:48] I usually pull two from two different Oracle decks that I adore and I wanted to show you one of them and just let you know my thoughts around it. And it has a gorgeous imagery. It’s the Goddess Branwen, from the deck “Goddess Power” by Colette Baron-Reid. And Branwen seems to come with the message of forgiveness, which I personally have a hard time with. Forgiving, I don’t know if it’s partly because I’m Scorpio and we can be very unforgiving, but yeah, I do have a hard time to forgive certain things. Of course not everything, but, yeah, this is really just a very timely message for me for this month of December.

[00:05:57] Also, because forgiveness doesn’t happen for somebody else, right? We forgive somebody else, but more so that we are at peace with ourselves. It’s not actually for the other, they can only make peace with themselves.

[00:06:15] But this December really feels like it’s the closing of the year. We’ve got Winter Solstice coming up, so it’s even the closing of a year cycle in terms of the Wheel of the Year, and using this time, this month ,to forgive, which for me comes with letting go and releasing, feels like a really good message, especially for me right now, but also just in general.

[00:06:51] It’s a beautiful message for December because when we have let go and we’ve released what we don’t wish to carry any longer, any old beliefs or patterns or even releasing people from our life, we usually start fresher, refreshed and with more clarity. And so I am going to partly read the message that I received for December and then let you know my thoughts about it. It comes both with an empowerment message and an alignment message. Alignment message is more like a task to pay attention to this month.

[00:07:36] And the empowerment message is: Sometimes life invites us into conditions that challenge us to the core. As the Celtic goddess Branwen forgave those who caused her own death by a broken heart, she asks you to set yourself free from the seeds of resentment that will surely choke the life out of your dreams.

[00:07:59] And already when I read that little bit… I have had quite a phase with the mother wound recently. With the mother wound resurfacing and understanding how the way my mother acted, reacted, and still acts when we are together, shows me, or rather leads me to the belief that I don’t matter, that my needs don’t matter, that I am not important to be listened to.

[00:08:43] And this is absolutely not to blame her. I know her history, I know where she has come from and the trauma she had to deal with and is still dealing with in her life. It’s just that I was so fucking angry because I know she’s an intelligent, strong woman and I know the kind of relationship that we could have if she chose to look at herself, too, and find ways to be together with me that are nourishing for both of us.

[00:09:31] And yeah, so I know that it’s not her fault, she has been through a lot in her life. And still I’m angry and I had this whole period where I needed to release all this anger by boxing pillows and crying and shouting and screaming. Not at anybody, but just to get it out of my system. And it really feels like this seed of resentment, because when we don’t express this anger, and I didn’t even realise before that I was so angry and that I held all that anger.

[00:10:17] It was someone who mirrored that back to me that I’m holding all this anger, and when we keep it, resentment builds and everything we do in the interaction with the other comes from this passive aggressive standpoint. And I certainly see that in my own behaviour towards my mother, and I’m so sorry for that, that I behave in ways that I normally wouldn’t to anybody.

[00:10:49] But because there is so much old baggage that hasn’t been cleared, I sometimes also can’t help myself and can’t be the full focused grown-up, which is okay. And so I have to forgive myself for not being able to do that, and also just release this anger and allow the dust to settle, so to speak.

[00:11:18] And this resentment that’s building because we don’t express the emotions – and it doesn’t have to be anger, it can be sadness, it can be grief, it can be any uncomfortable emotion that we don’t allow to move through and out, and that can build inside of us – we are like a pressure cooker, until we boil over. And yeah, right now, I have released all that anger, I don’t feel that angry anymore, I feel more in a position to start the process of forgiving.

[00:12:06] And so the message continues: We are wounded by others and we’ve stories about our hurts and losses that live on in our hearts and minds. We come to distrust the potential of love and connection no matter what your story or when it began. Forgiveness is the key to freedom here. Forgiveness allows for mending and repair, opening the heart to give and receive. If you need to forgive yourself or others, now is the time to do it. Keep your heart open and you can begin again. Only beauty, freedom, and treasures are found in the spirit of forgiveness.

[00:12:46] Basically, that’s what I shared before, right? It’s this, something happens, we create a story around that, we build a belief around that. For example, this “I don’t matter. My needs don’t matter. I’m unimportant.” I do believe that many people suffer from that core wound, and we have built this belief and with the stories we create around it that we don’t want to let go …

[00:13:19] I have a hard time letting go of, or I had a hard time letting go of this fact. My mother did her best, her very best in raising me. AND that wasn’t enough, or that wasn’t what I needed as a child. AND she did her very best. And I believe every person on this planet does their very best. And yeah, coming to terms with this both/and, and holding the both/and inside.

[00:13:54] Yeah, she did her best and it wasn’t what I needed, and it’s not her responsibility to fill that gap. Now it’s my responsibility to find that what I didn’t get in myself and give it to myself because that’s the true freedom. Then I’m not dependent, on her words, her reactions, whatever she does. So for me, this is really a good reminder that while I need to acknowledge the emotions present and help them move through, afterwards is a time to check back in, to forgive, to make peace with myself and with others. Yeah, it feels like right now is a really good time to do so.

[00:14:54] And then the alignment message, the second message goes: Sometimes we unintentionally cause hurt or pain to others. Sometimes our motive really is to hurt. Yep. And that hurts, right? It hurts that this is a truth. Sometimes we say things because we want to hurt the other, and that is something I saw in the relationship with my mother, that I sometimes really want to hurt with words, for her to feel the same hurt that I feel. And also, I know that this kind of revenge doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t make her feel better. It doesn’t help the relationship.

[00:15:47] And also, I can take responsibility and say “Yes, with this part that I said, I wanted to hurt. I’m sorry.” And I think the message goes on about the responsibility too. Yeah. “Now is the time for self-inventory and making amends. Your alignment task is to be 100% accountable for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, motives, and actions.” That’s what I mean. It’s about taking responsibility, being true with myself that yes, sometimes I say things with the intention to hurt, sometimes with the subconscious intention to hurt.

[00:16:36] And yeah, that is not nice and I don’t believe people do want to hurt others … because look at a baby. A baby doesn’t want to hurt anybody. But things happen and we experience hurt and then we don’t want to be alone in that. We want the other to hurt as much as we do. And it can help to start forgiving myself for wanting to hurt, not as an excuse, but more as a neutral fact. Yes, that’s what happened. I said that comment to hurt. I’m sorry. What’s the wound that was triggered inside of me? And what can I do or how can I support myself and that wound to heal?

[00:17:45] Because the fact is, we only get triggered when there is a wound inside of us. When there is no wound inside of us, we don’t care. Anybody can say anything if there isn’t already a wound inside of us. But if there is, and they are triggering that wound, then of course we explode. It’s about taking responsibility for that. Acknowledging, “Yes, I’m hurting, I’m deeply hurting, my core being is in danger.”

[00:18:20] I do believe many people have this, whether they know it on a conscious level or not, this belief that there’s something wrong with them. That they are not made for this world, that they aren’t a good person, that they have no right to exist. That’s one for me, this deep core wounding that I don’t have a right to exist. So I do all these things and I pressure myself and I perform according to other people’s standards, because I believe that’s the way I earn my right to exist.

[00:18:56] And understanding that and forgiving that. Forgiving myself and also forgiving humanity because the human experience is complex and comes with a lot of hardship and uncomfortable emotions. It also comes with a lot of joy. It’s a mixed bag and it’s okay. We are all human; we are all in this together. Recognising that in myself, recognising that in the other, recognising that in the society at large.

[00:19:34] I think that’s about what I wanted to say with all this forgiveness stuff, but ask yourself if there is something that has been triggered recently. We just come out of Scorpio month and Scorpio goes deep, especially emotionally. So if something has been triggered lately, how can you make peace with yourself? How can you forgive yourself? How can you forgive the other if there’s another?

[00:20:13] Again, not from a place of excusing and also not from a place of needing to get back to harmony as fast as possible. It can take years to forgive, and it goes in mini, mini, mini steps. And maybe it’s never going to happen fully, which is fine, right? But ultimately, forgiveness will set you free, not the other. It’s not about the other. Forgiveness is always about ourselves, and I invite you to ponder what forgiveness means to you, if you can easily forgive, if there are some things that need forgiveness in your life, or that just need some sort of closure right now in this last month of the year.

[00:21:04] If you would like to have some support, I do offer my Twelve Holy Nights course, which is part review and reflection of the old year, closing the old year, and part dreaming in what comes next for you next year. So, I do that in daily emails, as I explained, there are these Twelve Holy Nights and you will receive a daily email, which gives you some context, the theme of that night, a few journaling ideas and ideas for rituals. And we will also meet in sacred ceremony.

[00:21:51] We will hold a Winter Solstice Ceremony, we will have a closing ceremony in the end, we will have a sharing circle, because sometimes some things are easier to let go of when we are witnessed in it. I want to give enough space to be witnessed. What happens when we come together and circle is just enormously powerful. And I want to invite you to come on that journey with me, to look through different layers of your life and decide what you would like to have happen with that, what you would like to let go of and what you would like to invite in for the new year.

[00:22:35] It’s a rather feminine way. It’s not this strictly going according to a certain plan. You will not come out of it with a clear structured plan for next year. You will come out with this felt sense of, yeah, this is the direction I want my life to go in. This feels really yummy to me to call in for my next year.

[00:22:58] And if you are interested in being supported, there is an email only option, but I strongly recommend to be in circle with us because as I said, it’s lovely to be witnessed. This is a circle to be witnessed and to experience your own power and wisdom, that you indeed know what’s best for you, what you want your next step or next phase of your life to look like. The sacredness of the winter time of the void time, a space to be, a space to explore yourself, it’s where you can leave all the shoulds and shouldn’ts behind and explore who you are deep down and get to know yourself on that intimate level. And with that new reconnection with yourself and with your essence, start into the new year.

[00:24:11] So I will leave the link to sign up for that course and to all the information below. I would love to have you on that journey. As I said, I stay connected to that practice throughout the year because I’m always amazed at how the Universe works, and how it works FOR us. If you’ve got any questions, if you would like to leave any comment, feel free to do so. I’m looking forward to seeing you around, to having you on that journey of the Twelve Holy Nights, of course, but also to just stay in touch. Have a beautiful day and much love.